Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
