Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Randomize
