i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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