i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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