The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
