I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
