Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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