She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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