sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
