My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
