i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
