can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
