That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
