I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
