i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
