just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
