would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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