theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
