I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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