a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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