I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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