I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Duck Duck Cougar?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
