i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
