Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
