he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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