is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
