Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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