I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
