oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
