I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Randomize
