i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
