Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
