I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
