she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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