:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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