just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Randomize
