so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
