Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
