Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
In other news, I just burned my penis
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
