Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
