My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Randomize
