i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
