you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
