yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
