: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
40s are totally the cure
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
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