Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
