omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
