oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
