Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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