I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
