You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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